Top three plants most killed by Cami…

I’m not always the best with my plants. The other day as I was sitting at my desk doing some work task or another my partner pointed out that one of my plants wasn’t doing so well. And then… well. He said a thing that will make you gasp.

He asked if I just brought plants home to give them a safe place to die or if I had other ambitions for them.

I’ll give you a moment to recover from the sting of that. It probably feels like you stuck your paw in a prickly cactus. But you know, I’m sure, that sometimes we really do bring plants home just to give them a safe space to die. There are plants that no matter how hard I try I can’t seem to find a way to keep alive. I keep trying, logic be damned. Again and again I kill these poor plants and then, once again, I try.

So to kick off my renewed attempt at plant blogging I present to you the top 3 plants most killed by Cami…

Three

The third most murdered plant, thanks to yours truly, is the Alocasia Poly, otherwise known as the African Mask Plant. I’m not exactly sure what I’m doing to kill this cutie, but I’ve had three of them. Before their ultimate demise they always sprout a gorgeous tiny new leaf or two. But then they yellow and wilt and sag and then they ultimately mold a little even though I KNOW I am not overwatering them. I seriously have no idea how but I’ve murdered three.

Two

Sigh. I love love love a Sting of Pearls, also called Senecio Rowleyanus. They’re so precious. Somehow both cute and sophisticated at the same time. I’ve killed them large and small. I should note that this is to be expected because I really have the worst time keeping succulents alive in general. I fuss too much. I worry. I water. I move them around if I think they aren’t happy and then I wind up with string of shriveled peas. Sigh. It’s not a pretty sight. I can propagate a single string of pearls like nobody’s business though.

One

And the number one most murdered plant in Cami plant history… the challenging… the hard to manage… the very very delicate and rare… Spider Plant.

um… can someone check this content please. I think she said Spider Plant but those are literally impossible to kill. You can do anything to them and they thrive.

Yes. Yes I know. But my name is Cami and I kill Spider Plants. It’s shameful. But for some reason they hate me despite the fact that I love them so. Don’t believe me? In September I had this beauty delivered from a local store that sources really good plants. Every other plant they’ve ever sold me is thriving. I love them. Seriously if you’re in Portland please shop from Ecovibe... they’re the best.

I bought this gorgeous piece of plant goodness. In September. It had babies popping out of it when it got here. It was bright and beautiful and healthy. Take a peek:

Big fat bushy cutie. They brought it right to my door with several other plants that are happy and thriving and now that plant… I hesitate to even show you… But, you know. Transparency is good right? Are you sure you’re okay seeing this? It’s really bad. Grisly.

Yeah. Same plant four months later. See…. it’s real bad. It’s dead dead. Not like Dread Pirate Roberts almost done in Princess Bride. It’s like for real a dead lil plant and I killed it.

And even if I wanted to place the blame elsewhere I can’t. I can’t do that. I also can’t tell you how many spider plants I’ve had over the years. I can keep a lot of things alive for a reasonable amount of time. We once had a Betta fish that lived like way longer than its 3 year life expectancy. I think it was like twice as long. But it’s not a spider plant.

I don’t know what else to say here. It’s dead and sad. And I have to be honest and admit I’m getting ready to try again. I’ve been killing the same plant since like 1987. But try try again.

It’s like Groundhog Day and I’m Bill Murray but the only thing I have to do is keep a fucking spider plant alive and I’m still failing. It’s a work in progress and so am I.

This little post is part of my attempt to blog on weekdays for a month. You can read about that right here if you’d like…

plant nanny?

I’m on sabbatical at the moment but when I’m not I have to travel for work from time to time. Also sometimes a person just likes to get away. I have a kid. I have a couple of cats. So I’m not unfamiliar with needing to make sure someone is around to handle things while I’m on the road, whether that be for work or a getaway. But Until the past couple of months the instructions for plant care while I’m away have been super simple.

water those on Sunday…

But that’s just not going to cut it anymore, you know. I’m currently resisting counting the number of plants I have in the house. Partly because I’m not sure I want to know, partly because what counts? Full grown plants and baby plants? Plants in the kid’s room? Starts in water? That tray of succulents I’m playing around with to see how they do? If I have one planter with many plants in it does that count as 1 plant or 8?

Better just not to count them right? Not to reveal the depths of my plant depravity.

But I do need to document these sweet sprouts and full-grown plants in some way so it’s not just all in my head.

This feels kind of like when my daughter was much younger and obsessed with My Little Pony. First of all, yes I was totally stoked. I loved MLP when I was a kid and to have her into them was AMAZING. But here’s the thing, I had to know all of their proper names. You know their Hasbro given names. But I also had to know all of their kid given names. It was a complex dance that my daughter and I did and if some adult that wasn’t me was playing ponies with her… HOW WOULD THEY POSSIBLY KNOW THE PONIES’ NAMES AND PERSONALITIES?!

Well the answer was simple, they could just ask the kid. She was always more than happy to tell them.

But my plants, last I checked, don’t speak. And my people, while patient, don’t read the tell-tale signs of plant health and wellness. They won’t remember which plants need water daily and which need to dry out between waterings. Which plants like to be misted and which like to have their water poured. Which should be moved into the sunny spot for a couple of hours, which need to just stay there all the time, and which prefer to dwell in darkness.

If only the cats could be trained to do plant care…

But because I can’t possibly expect my cats or my family to keep track of all of that and there’s no way I’m going to document all of that here I’m thinking of starting a little plant journal, probably complete with polaroids, in the hope that when I come back from a week away this fall I won’t return to a house full of drooping, damaged, or dead plants.

It’s that or garishly colored post-its on every surface in all the rooms. Maybe I should flip a coin.

If you have a house full of plants how do you leave care instructions while you’re away?